A Dear Comcast, "FUCK YOU!" Story

So, I'm a fan of Comc... {hold on, I just puked in my mouth}. No, NO! I cant even say it. I HATE Crapcast! Why you ask? Well, where to begin?

First off, the whole "just call Comcast and threaten to cancel their service so they feel morally obligated to lower your monthly bill" type of charade is a myth (kind of). But never the less, if you pull it off, I would think that it warrants an Oscar nomination and a seat next to Paris Hilton for such a shameless performance.

Okay, maybe I don't really have a story (no, I really do) because I'm tired and I just hate Comcast. And yes, I am aware that there are good people who do indeed, work for Comcast. Wait, that's a lie too and if you work for Comcast you should just fucking kill yourself. Face it, you googled "fuck comcast" didn't you? Didn't you?! (Hell ya I did! What?) Which brings me to my next point: I wonder if Comcast knows how many times I've googled Justin Bieber's hair? Assholes, that's private...

Then it hit me -why do we pay so much for their crapcast service? Seriously, WHY? I was watching an episode of Ugly Betty a few nights ago (fuck you, I think she's the opposite of ugly) when I turned to my wife and said: "Why do we pay so much for cable? I mean, we only watch like five channels!" It's like Comcast thinks they're a Chinese buffet or something. It's not like I can watch all these damn channels at once even. Hell, I can't even go back for seconds! And even if I could, I wouldn't go back for sloppy-second re-runs of That's So Raven! Besides, they let Raven-Symoné go because her boobies got too big. Really, I swear... Bωble it.

The point is: I don't think I should have to pay for channels and their shows I don't watch. You don't pay for all the apples in the produce section at the grocery store for everyone else to put their swine-flu-infected digits on them while you only get to take home four apples at $1.50 a pound because you're a cheap bastard (self-disincluded. Really Safeway? You're killin' me, they're just fuckin' apples man).

AND, what is this Xfinity bullshit? Just how much money do you shady dick-holes make that you can't use your old trucks with the shitty "Comcast" logo on it? You bought all new vans so you could hire a few more Al Bundy-iT-Tech drop-outs for a new sticker? A STICKER?! Pssst... Comcast, I know it's still you, but your little secret is coddled safely with me under my penis; tucked between the gentle folds of my wrinkled, lukewarm (but slightly humid), scrotum-cheese {wink, wink}.

That being said, I've decided to jump on the band wagon and join the many ex-subscribers and current unsatisfied customers of today who may have no other service provider option but to suffer the crapcastic answer to all of our communication/entertainment needs and say: {deep breath} FUCK YOU COMCAST!

P.S. Just in-case you haven't figured it out, I'm using their own service to personally rant about them because I too, have no choice. It's a damn-dicktastic monopoly I say!

Cheers,

Dear Comcast "Fuck You!" Part Deux to come! Have a complaint about Comcast? File a complaint with the on-growing "petition" at fuckcomcast.com or visit comcastmustdie.com or even customer-circus.com! Don't hesitate to start your own justifiable rant-blog or website, solely dedicated to the evil that is Comcast today!

MOVIE QUOTES:

TODD CHESTER: "Well obviously SOMETHING had to break the window, SOMETHING had to break the stereo!"

MARGO CHESTER: "Well then, WHY is the carpet all wet TODD!?"

TODD CHESTER: "I don't know MARGO!"

EDDIE JOHNSON: "Merry Christmas, Shitter was full!"

EDDIE JOHNSON: "If only me and Kathrine had back the money we sent that TV preacher that was scewin' the hockey player..."

TODD CHESTER: "Hey Griswald, where do you think you're going to put a tree that big?"

CLARK GRISWALD: "Bend over and I'll show you."

TODD CHESTER: "You've gotta a lot of nerve talking to me like that Griswald!"

CLARK GRISWALD: "I wasn't talking to you."

FYI: These are from my memory (22 years ago), so do not email me and say "those aren't the actual lines" because I don't give a shit if they are or not. It's funny to me, and that's what matters...

HASSELBECK HAS BEST GAME OF 2010 SEASON

Matt Hasselbeck actually played very well by NOT living up to his two interceptions a game average before getting hurt today due to a "previous" hip injury during the first quarter {insert surprised face here}.

{sigh} Goodbye Matt, apparently, you will be missed...

ANOTHER FAN BITES THE DUST

I AM DONE WITH THE SEAHAWKS (OK, maybe not done). Matt Hassellback, you're a nice guy, but you suck ass. Like, if ASS were a buffet, you would have an "all-you-can-eat" pass. You average two interceptions a game! I don't care if you throw for 300 yards, GOOD QUARTERBACKS DONT THROW THAT MANY INTERCEPTIONS! Please try harder or GO AWAY!

On the bright side, Mrs. Babineaux (mother of Joel and Jordan) had a great time watching her sons teams play against one another...

HOW TO MAKE AN ARM SANDWICH

It's simple really:

1. Be dumb

2. Be SLOW

3. Insert arm directly into a gators mouth

Dang it, I betcha the "wrangler" had a good punch-line after that move too...

HOW THE WEST WA WAS WON

Skeletor Stikes Again!

Gov. Chris Gregoire is at it again. The Governor of WA state is about to sign the I-1077 petition and claims she may not be a full supporter of the initiative that would tax the wealthier population - yet... [What?]

Let's face it, we know she will fully support this plan - it's only money and a matter of time. It's for the kids right? It would provide the extra funding needed for education while finding it's way into the pockets of what is left of the "middle' class. But what if it doesn't go through? Well, then now we have to deal with the teachers going on strike [again] like every year because that's who's going to try and fight to get the money [for the kids].

This comes after Gregoire's recent victory over signing revenue bills into law. The new levies include an extra tax on cigarettes, candy bars, soda pop and bottled water [too bad it didn't include hairspray, how else does she hold up her cobweb of hair]. “I couldn’t look myself in the mirror and take the kind of Draconian cuts that would have been called for without revenue,” Gregoire said. [Sorry Gregoire, but I think we all know you'd have a pretty tough time looking at yourself in the mirror anyhow.] Seriously Governhater, do you not see yourself going against the will of the majority? How many times must we remind you?? Oh, let me count the ways (daggers in my back).

Not to worry good citizens, with Tim Eyman [AKA Heman, Master of the Universe] following her evil, shadowy spells, we can all sleep a little bit better tonight.

So with that being said, I have slightly altered this week's grocery list.

Cheers,

YELP NEEDS HELP?

With all the hoopla extortion accusations going down over the privately owned Yelp.com review site, the company is considering a new logo and slogan aimed at the very consumers and small business owners whom helped contribute to its success.

See for yourself...

Cheers,