Family Guy Cartoon is Back!

Click on thumbnail to read cartoon!

Cheers,

Queer Eye For The Straight Knife

This is an old, but true story I wrote YEARS ago. Obviously, things have changed since then.

It’s Saturday night, winter time and me and Uncle Dan have nothing to do. We decide we are going to make a special trip out to the Bellevue Square Mall like a couple of giddy-school girls to do some shopping for shit we really don’t need.

Something you should know about Bellevue; say it like you would “Belvedere” and you’ll get an idea of its social class.

When we get there, Uncle Dan wants to go look at some CD’s at the music store (CD is short for Compact Disc -we had them in the 80's for any of you kids reading this).

Quickly, we get bored and start to walk towards the food court to grab a bite to eat. On the way, we pass that cutlery store called Excalibur. We are both attracted to sharp and shiny things and not necessarily in that order; so of course we go in.

Inside I see a really cool boot knife that stands out like a camel toe on a female horse jockey. However we are having a difficult time trying to figure out what type or brand it is since there’s no visible markings on it. Out of nowhere, a very well dressed guy (I say well dressed, but he was wearing a turtle neck. Like Mitch Hedberg says: add a backpack and it'll feel like a really weak midget is choking you and trying to bring ya down) walks up next to us and starts yapping about the knife. “That’s a Ka-bar” he says. After that all I heard him say was “blah, blah, some stuff, blah, blah, some other stuff, Blah, blah and oh yea, what are you boys doing tonight?” At that moment I heard the screeching halt of Uncle Dan’s gears in that noggin of his. I was caught off guard. Then the guy continues to jabber on…

You see, the whole time I was listening to this guy talk about knives it never occurred to me that he plays for the Yankees. But Uncle Dan, he knew that right away and started to distance himself. It was at that moment the guy asked for my phone number. Me being an ass, I give him parts of my real name and number but fuck up a few letters and digits. I can sense Uncle Dan is furious with me for even handing out letters or digits even close to my own. The guy then proceeds to invite both of us to a giant orgy at his house (I’m not kidding, ask Uncle Dan) before the discussion is cut short and I’m dragged out of the store by my brother.

Uncle Dan looks at me and says “Dude… WTF? You gave him your name and number!?” I say “No, I fucked up a few digits, no big deal.” He then takes me aside and looks at me with all intensity and says: “It’s those fucking glasses you wear! You need to ditch those glasses because they make you look like a little alter boy!”

Needless to say, Uncle Dan has never returned to the Bell-Square Mall with me since.

Happy Holidays!

Cheers,

FANS TO SEAHAWKS FRANCHISE:

Jones and Tatupu, you are missed :(

Condoleezza Rice Gets Serious

This is old, but still gets a good laugh.

OBAMA'S RIDE HOME?

Obama's Admin Tries To Take Attention Off of His Declining Popularity While His Home Planet Attempts Several Times To Claim Him

In just hours, strange sightings have been popping up recently all over the world in what appears to be Aliens in unidentified flying objects trying to pick up America's 44th President.

Spectators around the world say stories of "punched-hole clouds" and a "trapped little boy in a helium balloon" are surfacing from White House officials.

Open Letter To The Seattle Seahawks

Dear Seahawks,

You sucked last year and so far this year, you still suck.

PLEASE STOP SUCKING AND I'LL CONTINUE TO BE A FAN.

I have a family to support and being your "biggest fan" has costed me time and money during these difficult times. You can make it up to me by winning the NFC West Division since that really is the worst division in the NFL. Come on guys... ... Fu@#$ you guys really do suck. Fu@#$...

Thanks!

Your biggest fan,

Shameless

P.S. I have quickly designed my new Seahawks foam finger should you continue to suck. Please see above blueprint.

Let's All Go To The Movies...

So me and the wifey finally go to see a movie and what do we see? One of the Harry Potter movies: Harry Potter and The Half-blood Prince to be exact. It wasn't as bad as all the kiddies and critics made it out to be in my opinion. It twas especially nice not having rowdy teenagers kick the back of my seat while they murmur giddy giggles and phrases like: "OMG, that Daniel Radcliffe is soooo DREAMY and I bet you he really does eventually, want to use his penis and have a girlfriend!" during the entire fu%$#@& movie as well.

When I got back home I decided to look up some more tid-bits on the movie (OK, I'm kinda a big closet fan) and I was shocked however, to see Rupert Grint show up to the premier of his new movie all wasted on the spoils of his success. Ok, I wasn't shocked or surprised... You can totally tell he's fed up with his "friends" lime-light fame. I was proud to see Rupert finally getting the attention he so deserves next to his more popular co-stars Emma Watson and Hairy Porker.

Rock on Rupert!

P.S. If this blog was written on paper, I'd burn it. That's how bored I am.

P.S.S. I can be "PC." When I was a kid, I pooped my pants - now that I'm older, I just poop myself... :(

Cheers,