A Dear Comcast, "FUCK YOU!" Story

So, I'm a fan of Comc... {hold on, I just puked in my mouth}. No, NO! I cant even say it. I HATE Crapcast! Why you ask? Well, where to begin?

First off, the whole "just call Comcast and threaten to cancel their service so they feel morally obligated to lower your monthly bill" type of charade is a myth (kind of). But never the less, if you pull it off, I would think that it warrants an Oscar nomination and a seat next to Paris Hilton for such a shameless performance.

Okay, maybe I don't really have a story (no, I really do) because I'm tired and I just hate Comcast. And yes, I am aware that there are good people who do indeed, work for Comcast. Wait, that's a lie too and if you work for Comcast you should just fucking kill yourself. Face it, you googled "fuck comcast" didn't you? Didn't you?! (Hell ya I did! What?) Which brings me to my next point: I wonder if Comcast knows how many times I've googled Justin Bieber's hair? Assholes, that's private...

Then it hit me -why do we pay so much for their crapcast service? Seriously, WHY? I was watching an episode of Ugly Betty a few nights ago (fuck you, I think she's the opposite of ugly) when I turned to my wife and said: "Why do we pay so much for cable? I mean, we only watch like five channels!" It's like Comcast thinks they're a Chinese buffet or something. It's not like I can watch all these damn channels at once even. Hell, I can't even go back for seconds! And even if I could, I wouldn't go back for sloppy-second re-runs of That's So Raven! Besides, they let Raven-Symoné go because her boobies got too big. Really, I swear... Bωble it.

The point is: I don't think I should have to pay for channels and their shows I don't watch. You don't pay for all the apples in the produce section at the grocery store for everyone else to put their swine-flu-infected digits on them while you only get to take home four apples at $1.50 a pound because you're a cheap bastard (self-disincluded. Really Safeway? You're killin' me, they're just fuckin' apples man).

AND, what is this Xfinity bullshit? Just how much money do you shady dick-holes make that you can't use your old trucks with the shitty "Comcast" logo on it? You bought all new vans so you could hire a few more Al Bundy-iT-Tech drop-outs for a new sticker? A STICKER?! Pssst... Comcast, I know it's still you, but your little secret is coddled safely with me under my penis; tucked between the gentle folds of my wrinkled, lukewarm (but slightly humid), scrotum-cheese {wink, wink}.

That being said, I've decided to jump on the band wagon and join the many ex-subscribers and current unsatisfied customers of today who may have no other service provider option but to suffer the crapcastic answer to all of our communication/entertainment needs and say: {deep breath} FUCK YOU COMCAST!

P.S. Just in-case you haven't figured it out, I'm using their own service to personally rant about them because I too, have no choice. It's a damn-dicktastic monopoly I say!

Cheers,

Dear Comcast "Fuck You!" Part Deux to come! Have a complaint about Comcast? File a complaint with the on-growing "petition" at fuckcomcast.com or visit comcastmustdie.com or even customer-circus.com! Don't hesitate to start your own justifiable rant-blog or website, solely dedicated to the evil that is Comcast today!